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Easy relationship with everybody? Really? Is that possible?

"Hell is other people".This quote from Jean-Paul Sartre's play Huis Clos has made its way into the French collective subconscious mind, and beyond. And for a reason. It is such an accurate statement about what we can feel.

You have to admit, if there were no other people, it would all be much simpler, wouldn't it?

No more conflict, no need to please everybody,
no more feeling judged by others, no more inconsiderate comments,
no need to constantly watch out about what we say or do,
nobody to hurt us, make us angry, sad, activate within us the fear of losing them.

Well, the problem is, Human Beings are usually not solitary animals. It begins with the family unit, right at birth, parents, siblings (or lack of), extended family, school or social surroundings... We begin with the circle of people that is imposed on us, and as we grow up and mature, we add to it another set of circles that we create as we go , friends, colleagues, chance encounters, love interests, children too... each being a potential emotional trigger, and not always the emotions we'd prefer to experience!

What is YOUR relationship issue?
What feelings do others feelings trigger other people for you.
Anger? Fear? Sadness? Anxiety?

Are these people your loved ones, work relationships, neighbours?

Could you imagine that one day you might feel perfectly comfortable with these people who are so difficult to manage right now?

It can be difficult to conceive, still... You won't be surprised if I tell you that whether people came to me with a health situation, difficulties at work or anything else, 100% of them face relationships issues at some stage in the work.

Some people come to work with me specifically about relationship issue, though. Sophie is one of these people.

"I always have the impression that they mean to hurt me, they don't want me, I am not welcome."

Sophie came to me in the first place because she had “lost purpose in her life”. During th the first session though, the issue at hand is clear as she says: "I”m constantly fleeing, so I don't have to be in any kind of relationship with other people." Aged over 55 years old, Sophie already explored a large number of therapies. She has identified an abandonment issue related to her mother when she was only a 4 years old little girl. Surely all of her issued came from that.

Unfortunately, understanding is one thing, but she still hasn't found any solution.

She has tried everything, she never felt she'd been heard. Her relationships with her parents and siblings are swinging from indifference to conflict and back.

Do you also feel that nobody can understand you?

That you can't depend on anybody?

You are constantly threatened by something?

What if you where about to change all this?

If I chose to share Sophie's story here, (not her real name), it is because her situation was in the “desperate” category.

The first session went rather well. Sophie already practices EFT by herself. She asked to work with me on an issue with a coworker. She gets to a level of relief in the tensions she feels towards that person. It sounds like a promising beginning.

And indeed, sometimes, things do go quite fast. However, if you already work on yourself, either on your own or even with a practitioner, you might have found out that it's not always that simple.

Do you feel sometimes that you are on an emotional roller coaster?
Everything is fine, and the next minute, without any obvious explanation, everything goes belly up?

Lets get back to Sophie, as she shows us that persistence can pay off.

From Sophie's point of view, her parents never loved her. Her past has left her with a combination of deep hurts, an abusive family history, difficult love relationships, and it all started at a young age with war and forced exile, and she also experienced a rape. A LOT of really good reasons not to trust anybody.

So, logically, she explains to me that everybody is against her. And by the way, I, her therapist in that case, I am no exception. I am part of “everybody” and she complains about my “hurtful comments”.

The third session was particularly stormy for Sophie, and we nearly stopped there. "I had to tap about you as I felt very annoyed with you. You said 4 things that hurt me." Still, she eventually decides to come back a few days later to continue the work. One day she'll say "I am surprised at myself in my ability to allow myself to be guided:" But we're not there yet...

Have you also been the victim of abusive behaviours as a child? Did abusive parents or teachers, consciously or not, crush within you your self esteem, self confidence, joie de vivre, your ability to love and be loved?

According to you, what is the explanation for your relational issues? Which event and people have sawed the seeds of all these difficulties in your life?

Who would you be if you didn't have to carry around all that hurt? It that even a possibility to consider?

One of Sophie's curses is her stubbornness... and the attached gift of persistence. She was admirably persistent in her work I have to say. Stormy session after stormy session, the first, tiny and unstable results became more and more visible. She learned to appreciate them: "I know it's not over, but it's something.” Small improvements became more and more obvious, and Sophie began to rebuild herself, while still expressing anger and doubts on a regular basis.

Have you ever been on “the right path”, and then suddenly a difficult situation crushes down all your improvements? PERSIST!

Since you're reading this, you already know that you are ready to find your way back towards your well being.

Consider where Sophie was coming from (and you don't know everything), and here what she expresses as our paths part and goes on her way to discover the next chapter of her life:

"I freely am myself, feeling safe with others in any circumstances. I am Pleasant Sophie, great genial creator of happiness!"

Yes, we are indeed talking about the same person!

About one year after our first session, Sophie regularly meet lovely people, and even people who are ready to help and serve her even if they don't know here. Unheard of!

What if you wrote the list of the people and situations that are bothering you right now?Could you seriously consider that one day in a not too far future, you could REALLY feel at ease with them?

What if it was time for you to act?

One year after our last session, Sophie sends me an update. "I am in a beautiful time with regards to my relationships. I am able to really savour the pleasure of being with others, sharing with others. I have made a new discovery, I can feel my mother's love. So my heart woke up to her. It brings me peace to love my mother and to feel her love. It is so, without a doubt.”

No matter the path you are following, look for the people who, as Sophie did, found their well being. They all have a lot to teach us.

And if you so wish, of course you can contact me here for a free meeting, so that you can consider how I can help you open a new chapter in the story of your relationships to others.

Whatever your choice is, what will be your next clue to a more peaceful relationship to the world?